A False Sense of Security
by The-Elementi-Of-Elem
Summary: Santana knew she was different, she just refused to believe it. She knew she was lying to herself, but the lies gave her a sense of security, albeit a false one. Set the day after the Hurt Locker scene.
1. Chapter 1

You were lying to yourself. You knew this, you always had known this. Every time your heart would jump at the sight of her, every time her touch sent shivers down your spine you brushed it off, in an attempt to feel normal. To feel like you belonged. To stay on top, to be popular you hid it all. Every time you lied to yourself , the bitchier you became.

You didn't want to have to put up with the looks, the talks, people treating you differently. Thinking that just because you were gay you would want to sleep with every straight girl available. Then when Brittany had kissed you for the first time you had immediately panicked. Not because Brittany was a girl, but because you had liked it. So again, you tried to convince yourself that it was just because you liked kissing. But the next time you kissed a boy, kissing her was the first thing on your mind when you wanted it to be the last. You had alway known, deep down. The way your eyes would stray whenever you got changed in the locker room with a bunch of girls, the way it felt whenever you hooked up with a guy. You just refused to believe it, lying to yourself and everyone around you. And now, finally realizing it, you realize what a mess you had made. If only you could have accepted it in the beginning, when you didn't have this reputation, and this terrible fear. You close your eyes in silence, wising for the thoughts to go away but you knew they would not. You always knew when you were lying to yourself, you just refused to acknowledge them as lies. The worst part? You hate yourself for it. You can't stand it, because of these prejudices, these idiots that surround you. But what you hate the most is you would give anything to change how you feel. Clenching your hand into a fist you realize that was not entirely true. You wouldn't give her up for anything, but she had given you up. For him. For a stupid boy. A single heartbroken cry escapes from your lips as the realization tears open the raw wound in your heart already made by her today. You want to see her, to beg her to reconsider but know she won't. She's too kind hearted, she would never do something like that to Artie, even if she wasn't head over heels for him. She wouldn't hurt him. But did she ever think about what she was doing to you? About your feelings? Anger grows inside your chest as your thoughts go wild, your hatred building until you break. It wasn't her you hated. It was yourself. You had so many opportunities to tell her how you felt before, you were just too scared. As you stare at the ceiling, fighting off the tears you heard a chime coming from your dresser. A text message. You know you shouldn't, but you can't help it as you grab the phone and check your messages.

Hey, r u ok?-Brit

You stare the phone, unsure if you should say anything at all. After a few minutes another message pops up.

Plz answer

You toss the phone to the floor miserably as another message pops up, not wanting to read it. The ache starts to build in your chest. You know she'll be worried, but right now you could care less. You feel a pang of guilt at that though but quickly get over it.

Suddenly there's a knock on your door. Since no one is home but you your heart rate quickens, thinking the worst, then realizing that if anyone had broken in they probably wouldn't take the time to knock. Without waiting for an answer the door opens to reveal a sight that both thrilled you and caused you great pain.

"Brittany?" You croak but by the time you do shes already walked over to you and sat beside you, her usually bright and happy features creased with worry. She knows you've been crying.

"S, I-I..." Her voice falters and she drops her head, and you have to look away.

"Why are you here?" It comes out a little harsher than you intended, but Brittany needed to know how upset you are.

"I needed to see you." She whispers daring too look up and meet your eyes as you wait to hear the rest.

"San, I love you, really, but I just can't-"

"Can't what, huh!" You cut in angrily, upset that she had come all this way just to say the same thing she said earlier to you.

"You can't hurt him because you love him, right? Even though it' only been a few months. I've known you for forever B! Did you even think about my feelings while you were so concerned with his!" You shout, holding back your tears, but when you see her lower lip tremble you can't take it anymore. A heartbroken sob emerges from your chest and the tears flow freely.

"Why?" You manage to choke out.

"Just tell me why you pushed this when you knew you were going to choose him." You let out another sob, falling backwards onto the bed as Brittany stares at you helplessly.

A good five minutes passes before she responds, and even then your not entirely sure if she said it or you imagined it, it was so quiet.

"I needed to know what I mean to you." She murmured, avoiding eye contact. You laugh bitterly at the answer you get. This was getting pointless, why was she here?

"Well, now you know, are you satisfied? 'Cause if you are you can leave." Your voice is cold, and her eyes are brimming with tears.

"But-"

"Just go." You whisper, and its so broken and filled with pain she can't help but comply. There's nothing more you can do. You've made your move. Now all you can do is wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi. I'm kind of new at this, but I'll try my best to update frequently. This is not AU, but the dialogue will be different than what it was in the show. I probably won't change a lot, but if I do it's for a good reason. So maybe it will be just a tad AU. Enjoy :).

Waiting was horrible. You didn't think it would be this bad, watching him with her. But every time you saw them together it was like a fresh slap in the face. You never could quite understand what she saw in him. He was disgusting. He was a _boy. _The more you thought about the situation, the worse you felt. You tried to go about your business as usual, making your snarky comments and insulting anyone who dared to even look at you, but your heart wasn't in it. It was beating brokenly in your chest, useless as always. As you stepped into the choir room you couldn't help but notice how close they were sitting together. It stung, to see how intimate they were, how committed. It made you feel sick just thinking about it. You took your usual seat in the corner, away from everyone so you wouldn't have to deal with the people you disliked. Mr. Shue stormed into the room, making his grand, late entrance as per usual, saying something about songs and under appreciated people. You tried to focus on his words but it was extremely difficult when Brittany was sitting just a few feet in front of you. You tried not to make it too obvious you were staring, whenever you thought she was going to look your way you quickly looked away. But you couldn't keep your eyes off of her for long. The next thing you knew, everyone was getting up out of their seats. Sam was saying something about you coming over to his place for a bit but you blew him off. You didn't think you could manage being with him after your epiphany the other day. Slowly people filed out of the room, making you the last person in the room. You didn't notice Brittany trying to catch your gaze. You tried not to notice anything really. After everyone was gone, you stood up, slowly heading towards the piano. You had been playing around with a melody in your head ever since Brittany turned you down. Song writing was your way of coping with things, but for the first time, you didn't think this would make you feel better. You tried anyway, playing the familiar keys easily.

"That sounds really pretty." Brittany's voice startled you, and you jumped away from the piano as if it had burned you.

Slowly, you turn towards her. You really didn't know what to say.

"I didn't know you played piano." She said, a small smile playing on her lips. Ignoring her last comment, you got straight to the point.

"What are you still doing here?" Your voice came out harsh, snapping like the crack of a whip. You felt a little guilty when you saw her flinch slightly, but you pretended not to care.

"I could ask you the same thing." She said pointedly. Shifting unconformable, you turned around grabbed your stuff, walking out the room. You heard quick foot steps behind you, trying to catch up.

"Santana wait!" Brittany called, but you had enough of waiting. You hated the word. Waiting for her, waiting for yourself, waiting for the right moment. Waiting for a change. You were so tired of waiting.

So you started to run, sprinting full force out of the school and into your car.

You saw her come out of the school, looking defeated. It was a sight you didn't want to see. So you started your car and headed home. Playing the waiting game wasn't as easy as you thought it would be, and Brittany wasn't making it any easier. You tried to amuse yourself, but the only thing you did was make a ridiculous song called Trouty Mouth. It was pointless and harsh, but frankly you didn't care if it hurt Sam's feelings. In fact, you hoped it would convince him to break up with you. Well, part of you wished for that. The other part wanted to hold onto him so you wouldn't be alone. You felt so pathetic for even thinking that, but you knew it was true. Your phone buzzed, breaking you out of your thoughts. You didn't have to check to know who it was, and you had hoped she would stop contacting you. Hadn't Brittany done enough damage? What you needed was space. This was all too much too fast, and you could tell that she didn't understand that. Your mind was still muddled and confused. Every fiber of your being told you to stop these unnatural thoughts. That you couldn't be gay. You hated yourself, that much was clear. It wasn't like you had a huge problem with gay people anyway. You just didn't want to deal with everything they had to go through. It was too much, and frankly, you were scared. Not only had the girl you loved rejected you, your school had made it clear that gay was not okay. You really didn't know what to do next. You thought space might clear your head. Maybe you could figure this out, try and understand what exactly was going on with you. But something was holding you back. You had this terrible fear, of what though, you weren't sure. It was like a ghost, haunting you where ever you went, whispering horrible things into your ears. No wonder Brittany had rejected you. You were such a mess. And the sad part was you weren't even planning on cleaning up your act. You were a disappointment. Nothing was clear to you anymore. You didn't now what you wanted. But one thing was very clear. You needed _her, _even if you didn't deserve her_. _And you needed a plan to get her. You just didn't know what it was yet. Until you thought of one, you planned to stay away from her. It was the only way you could figure this thing out. You just needed time. You hoped she would give it to you.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, so this story was never meant to be very long. I plan on making some time jumps when I can, shifting to the more important parts of Santana's decision making and why she did the things did. So basically I'm going to cover up to the scene after nationals, but I have another idea for a story after I'm finished this one. I plan on calling it Closer than Close. Enjoy:).

You knew as soon as you saw her headed towards you at your locker that your time was up. Fuck, why couldn't she have given you more time to think? You had come that early to your locker so you wouldn't have had to see her. Now you realized that she knew you so well that she had anticipated your next move. Usually you would have been happy that she knew you so well, but frankly all you could feel at that moment was a combination of annoyance and bitterness.

You pretended not to notice as she walked slowly up to your locker, her steps cautious, like you might run away at any moment. And if you could remember your damn locker combination, her cautiousness would have been justified.

"Hey..." Brittany said softly, her voice hopeful. You glanced at her but didn't respond. You weren't going to give in that easily.

"Can I ask you a question?" No response.

"We used to be really close and I really miss being your friend-" the word friend stung horribly, so you cut her off before she could say anything else, something that might hurt you even more.

"Still waiting for the question." You said quickly and coldly. You didn't want the friend speech.

She sighed, and shifted slightly, as if considering her next words. Finally, she looked up at you.

"Did I do something wrong?" The words shocked you to no end. Did she do something wrong? Of course she did! She started to date Artie to make you jealous, then actually fell for the guy enough that she turned you down. But then again, all of this could have been avoided if you hadn't panicked and shut her out. Still, you didn't think that meant you were the only one to blame. She had her fair share of screw ups too. At least, that's what you thought. Everything was just too confusing.

"You know, look, I don't know. Did you?" you ask, turning her own question back at her. You wanted to see how she felt, being put on the spot like that. You wanted her to feel guilty for turning you down, even if she didn't deserve to feel guilty.

"All I know is you blew me off," those words hurt passing through your lips, the thought the she blew you off. For _him_.

" To be with stubbles Mc cripple pants. But its fine," it wasn't fine, "it's your loss," and yours, "'Cause now I get to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam, that we'll be singing at regionals."

She didn't need to know that you had already written the song, and you knew how horrible it was. You wanted her to feel like she was missing out on something. Fuck, you felt so pathetic. This is why you wanted time to think, so you wouldn't say stuff like this. So you wouldn't lie just to protect yourself.

"Wait, your still dating Sam?" She sounds a bit hurt at that, but not surprised. The bitterness from earlier was back full force, and all you could do was nod coldly.

"But you told me you were in love with me." She says lowly, almost as if she was trying to get you to understand that you were making a mistake. That pushed you over the edge. Why was she still pestering you, couldn't she see how hard this was one you? The next thing you said was said out of anger, and it happened so fast you didn't even know what you had said until it was out of your mouth. It was a reflex, to deny everything and anything that would hurt you or your reputation.

"I honestly don't know what I was thinking." You say back, your voice cold, but even you could detect the slight tremble in your voice that came with such an enormous lie. You just hoped Brittany hadn't picked up one it and god damn it, what the hell was your locker combination! Her eyes were still on you, that was the problem, they were studying you, and for some reason you felt like they were judging you. You'd had enough.

"Now can you stop staring at me? I can't remember my locker combination." The last part had just slipped out, and with it you could see the knowing smile form on her face. Before she could say anything though, coach Sylvester interrupted her. As if this day couldn't get any worse.

Cleaning dirt off of yourself was definitely not what you pictured yourself doing that day, especially not with Brittany only a few feet from you. You still couldn't believe how she had spoken back to coach Sylvester, and your heart throbbed at the thought of her defending you. You scowled at the feeling.

"Do you want some help?" You jumped at hearing her voice so close to yours, instantly recoiling.

She stared at you, and for a tense moment you stared back. It wasn't until she raised an eyebrow that you realized she had asked you a question.

"No, thank you." You whisper quietly. You don't know what compelled you to say what you said next. "Thank you, by the way." You say, a little louder than before as you look up at her.

She watches you curiously, as though she doesn't know what your thanking her for. It takes a few seconds for you to realize that she probably _doesn't_ know, so you elaborate.

"Earlier, you stood up to coach Sylvester when I couldn't. Thanks." She smiles widely at that, glad that you finally said something to her without being forced to.

"No problem, I'm sure you would have done the same for me." She says confidently, but you scoff, making her frown.

"Please, we both know that I could never do something like that." She sighs, this time in frustration.

" And why wouldn't you Santana? Just because I turned you down doesn't mean-"

"Because I'm not brave like you, Okay!" You shout, your emotional damn finally at its true braking point. You didn't want to hear what she was going to say. It was all too much. Brittany stared at you with wide eyes, afraid and surprised. You weren't even close to being finished.

"I can't just accept everything that's going on in my life as it happens. I can't just go with the flow like you. I'm not strong, I can't handle people whispering things behind my back and I certainly can't handle people getting down on me just for being me!" You take a deep breath and close your eyes. You felt like you shouldn't have yelled at her, but really, she'd pushed you so far you couldn't help it. Everything was wrong, and you didn't know how fix any of it.

"This is all too much for me to process. I just... I need time, Brittany." You whisper brokenly. You feel a warm hand on your shoulder as she tries to get you to meet her eyes.

"Please, just stop pushing me because I can't handle it." You stop talking now, and after you realized everything that had come out of your mouth, you wanted to run away and never come back to this horrible school. You don't want to face her again after that confession. Slowly, her hand slipped off your shoulder.

"If that's what you need." She said unsure, her eyes cloudy. You nodded your head, took one last look at her and walked out of the bathroom. That definitely did not go the way you wanted it to. You had wanted to talk to her on your terms, when you were in control and were ready to make a confession. That was an absolute disaster. But at least you got your point across, and she had understood you. And even though you felt like she deserved so much better, you couldn't help but try to make her yours. Now that you had time, you needed a plan. Something that would work. A small smile spread across your lips as you thought of the possibilities. Soon, you would get your girl.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey:) I wanted to say thanks for all the story alerts and favorites. You guys are awesome. So this chapter is probably the second or third last one, I'm not sure. I hope you like it! Oh, and don't forget to review!

* * *

Coming up with a plan was much harder than you thought it would be. Usually you would be all for dumping Wheels off a cliff and making it look like an accident, but for some reason you couldn't bring yourself to do it. Actually, it wasn't just any reason, it was Brittany. You couldn't handle the thought of making her sad, even if it was only over the death of Artie Abrams. You were becoming desperate at this point, and honestly, it was starting to look like you would never come up with a plan. Or at least, a plan that didn't involve a lot of lying and deception. Your mind was blank, and when you watched Artie and Brittany acting all couple-y in the hallway, you really weren't thinking clearly. That and the Prom King and Queen poster you just made look a million times better were a dangerous mix. Your plan was starting to form itself, however misguided it might have been. You needed someone who could help make Brittany jealous, and you needed the ultimate symbol of social status: Prom King and Queen. If you won that crown, no one would mess with you. But as you watched Sam walk down the hallways, doing one of his ridiculous impressions, you knew he definitely would not be a good candidate. Slowly you watched him walk down the hallway, trying to think of a good replacement for Sam when you saw him. Dave Karofsky. He was perfect, and after winning the big football game everyone would vote for him. You were trying to figure out how to persuade him when you saw it. It was subtle, but there none the less. As Sam leaned over the water fountain to get a drink, Karofsky checked out his ass! You couldn't believe it. It was absolutely perfect. Now he wouldn't have a choice but to help you. Sure, this wasn't helping you with your Born This Way assignment, but really, who cares? You had a plan to make, and a girl to get.

* * *

You were sitting at The Lima Bean with Dave, listening to him go on and on about how he was a stud and it was only a matter of time before you went after him. The thought made you feel sick, and made you want to laugh at the same time. Did this guy seriously think he was pulling the wool over your eyes?

"Look, You can drop the act. I know." You said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which, really, it was. An yet he still tried to play dumb.

"Know what?" He said, chuckling slightly to himself. Well, you were abut to wipe that ugly smile right off his face.

"That your gay." You state bluntly, pausing to watch his face. He turned as pale as a ghost before his expression turned sour.

"First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day, you know you really need to be more careful with your leering." You watched as he feebly tried to defend himself, but it was no use, you had him trapped and he knew it. So when he asked you why you were doing this, you decided it was only fair if he knew the truth. He wasn't going to try anything. Not when you had this dirt on him.

"Because I need you... and you need me." You looked around first to make sure no one was listening.

"We play on the same team." The word shocked did not even begin to describe his expression as he stared at you.

"Wait.. you're-" you may have just come out to him, but that didn't mean you were willing to hear the words out of his mouth.

So you explained things in a manner that he would understand. You were in this together, whether he liked it or not.

"You in or not?" You asked, even though you already knew the answer.

* * *

If someone had told you earlier this week that Dave Karofsky would be sitting in your bedroom with you, you would have laughed in their face. Now, it wasn't actually that big of a deal. You didn't really want him here, but it was crucial to your plan. You were going over everything that the two of you would have to do over the next few weeks, starting with talking to the glee club to get Kurt back.

"If we're going to do this you need to be convincing," you start. He stared at you, frustration written all over his face.

"I still don't get why we're doing this. I mean it's just Prom king and queen." He mumbles, and you stare at him for a moment. Do you really have to explain everything to him?

"Winning prom king and queen means that you don't take shit from anyone David, do you understand?" You say, your frustration building.

"Even if it gets out that we're both queers it won't matter. We'll have the ultimate symbol of social status, no one will be able to touch us." You say it with unwavering confidence, but really you aren't so sure any more. And he only made that feeling worse.

"Do you really believe that?" He whispers, eyes down, and for the first time you realize he's just as screwed as you are. You're both so stuck with this need to be popular. You have no idea how to deal with the information that could ruin you both.

Instead of being doubtful, you try to think positively.

"I have to believe it, otherwise I'll never be able to come to terms with this." You stare at each other gravely for a minute, before getting back to practicing. You had a big day ahead of you.

* * *

"And then something funny, happened," you say, a fake smile plastered to your lips as you take Karofsky's hand.

"Something called love." The words felt disgusting passing through your lips, but Brittany's expression made the feeling disappear for a moment. She looked disappointed, but you could also swear you saw a little bit of jealousy in her eyes. That look gave you the will power to continue with your ridiculous speech, even if you weren't paying attention to half of he things you were saying. The words slipped from your lips with a practiced ease, and the niceness of most of them left more than half of glee club speechless and suspicious.

Honestly you couldn't blame them. You weren't nice, and you never had been. You weren't even being nice now. You were being selfish. You knew that, and you couldn't help it. You avoided everyone's gaze as they stared you down. You couldn't take it, and when the two of you were done talking you walked swiftly out of the room

What the hell were you doing?

You had realized too late how ridiculous you were being, how much deeper you had gone into the closet. Any hope of finding your way out now was lost. You were just setting up securities for yourself; the bully whips, Prom king and queen, Karofsky. They were all because you were so scared of what might happen to you if word got out that you were gay. Brittany was so far from your reach now you felt like crying, which was something you were not used to doing until recently.

Karofsky stared at you for a moment, studying you.

"Why are you really doing this?" He asked quietly, his eyes narrowing slightly. You froze for second, then turned to him, putting on your best bitch smile.

"Popularity, security, bragging rights, we've already been over this David." You say with fake sweetness, trying to dismiss the subject as you started to walk away from him.

"You love her, don't you." He said, as if it everything had just clicked for him. You felt your heart stop in your chest. Not because he knew, although that was part of the reason, but because you had been so obvious. Did everyone know?

With that thought stuck in your head, you couldn't find it in you to respond. So you did what you do best. You ran away.

* * *

You're standing at your locker when she walked up to you, a smile one her face and a bounce in her step.

"Hey, check it out." She said, her voice bubbly and filled with excitement and she opened her jacket to reveal her born this way shirt. You couldn't help but stare for a moment, admiring her perfect body. The words written on her shirt finally snapped you out of your daze, and you chuckle slightly. You never thought she was stupid, but you knew it was something she was insecure about.

"It's perfect," you said, smiling at her for the first time in a long time. "Here, check out mine." You were expecting her to laugh or smile or something like that, but you weren't expecting her to frown at your shirt. Sure, you weren't exactly ashamed of being a bitch but that didn't mean you loved being one. Why was she staring at you like that? Feeling suddenly self conscious you thought up a quick lie to explain the shirt.

"What? It's perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother I told the nurse she was fat." You were trying to make her laugh again, or at least smile, but she wouldn't. Instead, she spoke.

"Well, I made a different one for you." Slowly, she held up a shirt against her chest, as if she was afraid of how you might react. At first you didn't get it. The word Lebanese was written is bold black letters across the shirt, and for a second you thought she meant you were self conscious about your cultural background.

"I'm Hispanic..." you trailed off, staring at the shirt more intently before it clicks.

"Wait, was that supposed to say lesbian?" you said, your voice low and incredulous. You couldn't believe she's still pushing this after what you had said to her. What, did she think a few days was enough time? That you would miraculous accept yourself and everything would be okay? She looks confused for a moment before glancing at the shirt.

"Yeah, isn't that what it says?" She shakes her head, dismissing her thoughts before she looked at you. You could tell she had something important to say, so you stayed silent, a frown etched on your face.

"When you told me all of the stuff the other day, it meant so much to me, to see you be so honest. Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt." You didn't know whether she was talking about your confession of love, your more recent confession or both.

"I was so proud of you." The words felt nice. You happy to hear that she still thought well of you after everything you had done. But it was still too much. You weren't ready and frankly, you weren't sure if you would ever be ready. You didn't want to keep sharing all of this personal stuff, all of these hidden feelings only to have them tossed aside like they didn't matter. Like you didn't matter.

"Yeah well don't get used to it. And certainly don't think about telling anyone." You said, your voice firm. You didn't know what you would do if she told anyone. You never thought she would do something like the, but the expression on her face and her next words made you think otherwise, and even if it was only for a moment, it was enough to scare you deeper into your shell.

"Why not? You're like, the most awesomest girl at this school why would you try to hide any of that?" You couldn't believe it. After everything you had said and done, she still thought of you so highly. She still thought you could change. You just didn't understand. Did that mean she wanted to tell people about you?

"I'm dating Karofsky now." You sniffed, your voice thick. This was becoming too much, and you knew you were about to snap.

"It's gross." She said, her face disgusted. You didn't know if she meant the fact that it was Karofsky or because you were still trying to hide behind boys. The thought made you angry.

"You don't get a say in who I date anymore." You snapped, your face cold. She seriously needed to walk away, your thoughts were getting dangerous and confusing.

"Why not? Because I'm dating somebody? Because your Lebanese and I think I'm bicurious?" This was getting ridiculous. You just wanted to be left alone.

"No, because I said I love you!" You say loudly without realizing it. Looking around to make sure no one had noticed your outburst, you continue.

"You didn't say you loved me back." Okay, you knew that wasn't completely true. But the way she had brushed you aside, rejected you and said she loved Artie was enough to make you feel as though she hated you.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes at you. You'd never seen her so frustrated before.

"I do love you! Maybe if you loved you as much as I do you would put this shirt on and you would come dance with me." With that she tossed the shirt roughly into your arms and stormed off. You stared at the shirt and closed your eyes. You were getting so tired of this. Tired of the lies, tired of pretending and tired of ruining your chances with her. You might have needed to learn to love yourself, but Brittany needed to learn to stop pushing you while you were so vulnerable.

You needed to show her that you understood what she was trying to say. You knew what she said was true. But you couldn't just walk into the glee club wearing the shirt and announcing to everyone that you were a lesbian and you were in love with your best friend. You knew they were in the auditorium doing the born this way performance. You walked into the bathroom and quickly changed into the shirt Brittany had made for you. While texting Karofsky to meet you in the auditorium you walked there yourself, sit in one of the very back seats and watch the glee club get ready to perform their song of acceptance. After a few seconds Karofsky walked in and looked at you, then at the shirt. A pained understanding flashed in his eyes as he sits next to you. Even though the two of you weren't very close, he was the only person who knew, and therefore was the only person who could give you the moral support you needed so desperately.

"I couldn't do it." you whispered.

"I can't just go up there and say it to them. Making that kind of public announcement is something I am not ready for." He nodded in understanding and crossed his arms, staring at the stage as the performance started. You could have sworn you saw Brittany looking at you, but it was probably your imagination playing tricks on you. But then again, it wouldn't have been the first time you were wrong.

The performance was over. Karofsky had left you, looking quite upset, saying something about needing to go to home. You just nodded your head and stayed where you were. And that's what you had been doing for the past ten minutes. Just sitting and thinking about the mess you had made, and always somehow managed to make. When you heard the auditorium door open you don't budge. Not even when you heard foot steps approaching you. You already knew who it was.

"I'm sorry." You whispered quietly as Brittany took a seat next to you. She nodded her head in acceptance as you look over at her. For some reason you can't bring yourself to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry too." She whispered, fidgeting slightly. She looked almost nervous.

"I shouldn't have pushed you so hard, I just thought... I honestly don't know what I thought." She trailed off. Slowly, hers eyes met yours, and that time you held her gaze.

"I guess I just thought that if I told you how awesome you were you'd realize how silly you've been. I guess I just wanted you to stop tormenting yourself." Her eyes looked pained as she said that. You swallowed the lump that started building in your throat.

"I never thought that you might not believe me." A single tear slid down your cheek, and it took all of your willpower not to burst into tears in front of her again.

"Please don't cry, San." She whispered, her eyes tormented. "You're amazing the way you are and I shouldn't have pushed you again." You could't stop the tears after that, and without warning she wrapped her arms around you, holding you in a tight embrace.

"I just wished you would accept yourself." You hold her tightly against your body, taking her in. You missed her so badly.

She sniffed, laughing slightly as she pulled away from you. You missed her touch already.

"Thank you for wearing the shirt." She said, and the way she smiled at you made you feel like the two of you might just be okay after all. You knew you still had a long way to go. You couldn't just suddenly accept yourself for who you are when that person is someone you had been told to hate your whole life. People can't change overnight. But the way Brittany was looking at you made you think that for once in your life, things would turn out okay. You could figure this out, as long as she was there with you. It may have been small, but putting on that shirt was the first step to accepting yourself. And for the first time in a long time, a real and genuine happy smile spread across your lips.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the wait, I had tons of homework and play performances so I never had any time to write.

This is the second last chapter, it covers the Artie/Brittany breakup, Song bird and the prom, The last chapter will skip ahead a bit and will take place in New York at nationals and the scene after wards. I hope you like it, and don't forget to review:) Sorry if I got the name of the school newspaper wrong, I wasn't quite sure what it was.

* * *

Things had finally started to go well with you and Brittany. You spoke more often, you even saw each other after school sometimes. It wasn't a lot, and it wasn't in the way you wanted her, but it was progress. You were still dating David, and would continue to date him until after prom. If you won, you had social status, if you lost, you got to finally get rid of him. Everything was going so well. That is, until you saw Brittany's latest episode of fondue for two. You couldn't believe it. Had she seriously out you on you tube? No, no she wouldn't do that to you. You tried to think of an excuse for her actions, but the evidence was right there in front of you. So you had to rely on the fact that not a lot of people watched the show. You just hoped that idiot Jacob Ben Israel hadn't found the video. Your hopes, however were dashed the next morning at school when you saw the new edition of the school newspaper. You were so mad. And worse, you were scared. As you walked down the hall you could see people looking at strangely. You could hear the whispers about you. You had to find Brittany right away, because that was not okay. As you walked by the choir room, you saw everyone, including Brittany, sitting in the choir room. Apparently you weren't the only was who was having a bad day, from the yelling you could hear, but you couldn't focus on that right then. You felt so betrayed, so exposed. Storming into the room, newspaper in hand you yelled at her.

"This, is you fault!" you yelled as you pointed to the newspaper, absolutely livid as Brittany stared at you looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"You told everyone that I play for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show!" You could see her scrambling mentally, trying to think of a cover up, something that would make this go away.

"Wait, are you mad? You do play for another team, you were on the Cheerios and now you're only in the New Directions." You knew people would probably believe that story. They would all just think that it was another Brittany moment where she got confused. But you knew better.

"And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?" you hiss, staring at her. She looked so guilty and ashamed as you shook your head at her. It took you a moment to realize some of the glee club was staring at you, and you quickly walked out of the room before things got any worse. You walked swiftly to the bathroom, getting rid of anyone who was inside. It took a few minutes before you heard the open, and Brittany walked in.

"San, I'm so-" she started, but you didn't want to hear it. Sorry wasn't going to fix this.

"How could you do this to me! I trusted you." You started to yell, but your voice broke, giving you away.

"I didn't mean to, it just slipped out." You sigh, quietly rubbing your temples. Something like that wouldn't just slip out. You knew that, she knew that. But by the look on her face you could tell how sorry she was.

"Look, maybe if you go around and say what you told me in glee, people will think that it was just a misunderstanding." You muttered, hanging you head as you tried not to break down. Brittany nodded her head at you, clearly desperate to fix this.

"I really am sorry, San. I'll try my best to fix this." She whispered, before walking out of the room. You just stared blankly at the floor, unsure what to do next. The day could not get any worse.

* * *

At least, that was what you though, until you almost ran into a teary eyed Brittany. Your heart tightened in your chest as she automatically wrapped her arms around your shoulders, silent tears streaming down her face.

"Artie... he... he..." she tried to say, but it was no use. She just shook her head and stared at the floor. Of course the idiot had gone and done something to upset her. You wanted to personally see to it that he got what he deserved for making Brittany so upset, but comforting her was more important. You could get revenge on Abrams later. You would make sure it was painful.

Carefully, your hand stroked her beautiful blonde hair in an effort to comfort her.

"Hey," you whispered softly, leaning your head closer to hers as she continued to sniffle sadly.

"Whats wrong? Did you two have a fight?" You actually were concerned, it wasn't like you just wanted to know so you could swoop in and take her from him. You wanted her to know you were there for her. You wanted Brittany to come to you about everything.

She leaned her head against your shoulder and mumbled something unintelligible. Confused, you gripped her shoulder delicately and got her to look at you. Silently, you asked the question again.

"He said I was stupid." She whispered dejectedly. It took a moment for you to process what she had said. You couldn't believe your ears, you were so mad. That little fucker! Didn't he know how sensitive Brittany was when it came to her intelligence? And for a reason you couldn't fathom she had believe that idiot when he had insulted her. Artie had never deserved her trust.

"Well that's because he's an asshole who doesn't understand how your mind works." You tried to reassure her, but you could tell she didn't quite believe you. How could she not believe you? Did she not know how perceptive she was? You smiled at her in reassurance and bopped her nose.

"You," you said putting emphasis on the word, "are one of the smartest people I know." She stared at you for a second before shaking her head. You sighed. She had always been stubborn, it was something that you were both impressed and annoyed by.

"Come on," you said quietly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Lets take you home." She nodded slightly and followed you down the hallway and into your car. You didn't care that you were skipping. You'd do anything for Brittany. No matter what, from then on, she would always come first. The ride to her house was silent, apart from the occasional sniff from Brittany. After a few minutes it was too much, so you reached out and took her hand into yours. It was reassuring and comforting, having her hand in yours. In the privacy of your car, it felt nice. As soon as you took her hand, the sniffles ceased. You could feel her eyes on you, but you refused to look over at her. Slowly, you pulled into the familiar driveway of the Pierce family. Reluctantly, you let go of her hand and took her inside the house.

It was strange, being in her room again. There were so many memories, it was so familiar. And yet somehow you felt like you didn't belong. You were about to leave when a hand on your wrist stopped you.

"Stay." Brittany whispered, and you couldn't help but comply. Slowly, she took a few steps towards the bed, waiting to see if you would follow. You did. After she had lied down, she patted the space next to her. At first you were hesitant. You didn't want to over step any boundaries, especially not when the two of you were just starting to patch things up. But she wouldn't have told you to stay if she hadn't wanted you there, right? You carefully laid down beside her, but deliberately didn't move in too close. You were slightly uncomfortable with the situation. It wasn't that you didn't want to be near her. It was the fact that you didn't know how close she wanted you. However, when a pale hand reached for your arm and encircled it around her waist, your worries were proven to be ridiculous. You didn't know how long the two of you lied there for, just happy being in each others presence once again. It almost felt like everything was normal again, but you knew that wasn't true. So much had changed, you weren't sure if the two of you would ever really be normal again. But being that close to her... it felt nice. And that feeling was enough to inspire a momentary rise of courage. You forgot about the idiots at school, and just thought about what it would be like if you could really be with her. The thoughts swirled through your brain and clouded your judgment. All you could think about was doing something for her to prove just how much you cared for her. You could tell after the hallway fiasco that Artie and Brittany were over. Calling her stupid was the worst thing you could possibly do. This was your chance to show her how much you cared. You needed to go home and plan it out. You had been going through that rumors album Mr. Shue had told the glee club about, and there was one song that definitely stuck out. It was perfect. Tomorrow, you would finally be brave enough to show your feelings.

* * *

"That's why I brought you here. To cheer you up." She stared at you for a moment, surprised and curious. You smile softly at her as you take her hand.

"I've been going through that rumors album and I found the perfect song to express my feelings for you." You paused for a minute, and looked at the floor, doubt making its appearing for the first time.

"My private feelings." you said more quietly. You knew there was no turning back when Brittany looked at you with the sweetest expression on her face. But then her expression turned into one of confusion.

"What about him?" She asked, looking at Brad who was sitting at the piano. You shrugged nonchalantly.

"He's just furniture." After you realized how mean that sounded while you were trying to make a good impression, you quickly tried to correct yourself.

"Sorry, no offense." you said with a wave of your hand.

"Hit it." The nerves slowly disappeared as you started singing, watching her expression every second of the performance. Your heart leaped in your chest as you watched a teary eyed Brittany stare at you with pure adoration. The song was so emotional you were starting to get a little teary eyed your self. As the last line of the song echoed around the choir room, a single tear slid down your cheek. You quickly wiped it away, but you knew Brittany had seen it.

"Beautiful." She whispered, and you knew she wasn't just talking about the song. You smiled slightly before your peaceful world came crashing down on you. Reality slapped you in the face as soon as she said her next words.

"So, why couldn't you sing that to me in front of everyone? Now that Artie and I aren't together anymore." You stared at her for a second before shaking your head. You realized too late that you had just gotten yourself in way over your head.

"No, I'm not ready for that type of public announcement." You sniffed, turning around and walking towards the piano so you wouldn't have to look at her disappointed expression.

"Ever since that Muckraker thing people have already been treating me differently. I got asked to join the Golf team." You said with horror, remembering your encounter earlier in the day with Golf team president and closet lesbian Hannah Carter. It was horrifying.

"Well what if I went first." Brittany said as she walked up and stood next to you. You stared at her, not quite understanding what she meant. She wanted to join the golf team with you?

"Come on Fondue For Two, I'll ask you out to prom and I'll tell you how I feel and all you have to do is say yes." She said, and you realized she was talking about making a public announcement. You stared at her for a moment. That did sound pretty easy, but then again, everything sounded easy. Actually doing something was the hard part.

You didn't know what made you say yes. Whether it was the fact that you were tired of disappointing her, or that you were tired of hiding, you didn't know. At the time, you didn't realize what you were agreeing to. So hours later, after you had plenty of time to think about the repercussions of your actions, you realized that you weren't ready for this. Even though your plan all along was to get Brittany and make her yours, you couldn't do it. It would ruin the rest of your plans. You would be ridiculed, slushied, and hated just for being yourselves. As the panic bubbled in your chest, you knew that there was no way you could do what Brittany wanted you to. Shamefully, you reached out and grabbed your phone, sending a quick text with a simple message.

_I can't._

You really hoped she would understand. You didn't want to be the reason for her disappointment, but this was getting crazy. You had just started taking baby steps. What she had just suggested was like running long jump compared to the other steps you had taken. You sighed quietly, your thoughts turning back to the Muckraker article. You had to put something out there that made people think you were straight. Your thoughts immediately went to Dave Karofsky. He was supposed to be your boyfriend, right? If you were to set up a rumor about the two of you, then people would just assume Brittany was wrong. And since Jacob Ben Israel was the only person who could spread gossip like wild fire, you sent the rumor straight to him. There, everything involving your plan had been patched up. However, you relationship with Brittany had a lot more work to go. You seriously hoped she would wait for you. Even though you knew you didn't deserve it, you hoped she would give you another chance to make things right.

* * *

Your rumor had worked like a charm. When Jacob saw you walking down the hallway he made a beeline towards you and started firing off questions about your relationship with Karofsky and the rumor he had heard. Everything was going swimmingly, until he said he traced the IP address back to your computer. That little weasel. Quickly, you thought of an excuse that would get your sorry ass out of the mess you had made.

"My computer was stolen. All I can say is that Dave and I are going strong." you caught a glimpse of blonde hair out of the corner of your eye and noticed Brittany watching you with a sad expression on her face. You turned back to Jacob with a practiced smile and said, "Vote Santofsky," Towards the camera.

His next question, however, wiped that smile right off your face.

"So you two are in love? Soul mates, so to speak?" He and Brittany both stared at you, waiting to hear the answer. You know you can't back down now, but you desperately hoped as you looked into Brittany's eyes that she realized you were talking about her.

"Yeah, I'd say that's accurate." You decided to walk away now before Jewfro could ask you any more questions that you really wouldn't want to answer. Your heart felt so heavy in your chest as you walked. The weight of everything that had happened lately was really bringing you down, although you tried not to show how it was affecting you. How she was affecting you. You felt like the worst person in the world, but you were so caught up in all your lies you didn't know what the right thing to do was anymore. You couldn't wait for prom at this point. You just wanted all of this to be done and over with.

* * *

When you saw Artie in the hall the day of prom, you realized that you still needed to make him pay for hurting Brittany. But how? There wasn't really a lot you could do that would _really_ cause him, except maybe get him in trouble with coach Sylvester. That woman was a beast. You had heard she was chaperoning at the prom, which meant no funny business. Anyone who tried anything would be in for a world of hurt. Too bad Artie would never be stupid enough to break the rules. That would have been perfect. You looked around for a moment, thinking, before you saw Puck being interrogated by Jewfro. He looked mortified, which usually meant something bad had happened to his reputation. You chuckled slightly. People made things way too easy for you. You walked up to him quickly, putting on a smug smile.

"Hey Puck." You said, tapping him on the shoulder. He's still frowning slightly as he nodded in greeting.

"Sup Lopez." He said. You wanted to laugh at him, because, frankly, with that attitude no wonder his reputation is in the toilet.

"Not much, but a little birdy told me that the Puckster has started to lose his edge. Is that true?" He stared at you for a moment, his eyes narrowed.

"What is it you want, Santana?" He asked carefully, and you smiled at him.

"It's not what I want, it's what you want." You started. Now you had caught his interest.

"You want your bad boy rep back, and I know how you can do that." He looked at you dubiously. You've known him for a long time, so he knew you well enough to know that you aren't exactly the helping type.

"What's in it for you?" You shook your head and smiled slightly, folding your arms across your chest.

"Do you want my help or not?" Even though he doesn't trust you, Puck knew how devious you could be. If there was anyone that can figure out a plan to a fix a reputation, it was you. Too bad for him that this was more of a revenge plan for you than it was a plan to help him.

"You and I both know that if you win Prom king no one will take you seriously as a bad ass again. So, you ruin the picture perfect prom by spiking the punch with alchemical." He snorted, looking at you with amusement.

"Looks like I'm not the only one losing my edge, Lopez. That plan sucks." You rolled your eyes at him. Now he decided it was okay to be smart?

"Take it or leave it Puck, this is your only chance to save your rep. Or do you want to be known as the boy who was neutered by Lauren Zizes for the rest of you high school career?" He glared at you for a moment, and that was when you knew he was in. You had clearly struck some sort of nerve, so now he would do whatever you said. Quickly you told him the rest of the plan before sending him off to find Artie. You weren't sure if Artie was going to agree or not, but Puck looked pretty determined when you last saw him. Later in the day, you waited patiently to see what Puck had to say. Quickly, he walked up to you, triumphant smile on his face.

"He's in."

* * *

Prom with Dave wasn't actually all that bad. The two of you had fun dancing together and just fooling around, occasionally putting on a show for the people watching. But no matter how much fun you had, you couldn't keep your mind off of Brittany. You wished you could have come here with her, but you knew that was impossible. After tonight, though, that would change. You just had to know if you had. Then, everything would be different. Or at least, that was what you hoped at the time. When Jar of Hearts started, you couldn't hep but look for Brittany even though you knew you would have to dance with Dave. It was just wishful thinking, and as you put your arms around Davids neck you couldn't hep but feel... empty. You were second guessing yourself again. What would happen if you lost? And more importantly, what would happen if you won? You hadn't really thought that far ahead yet. You knew that Brittany was waiting for you to make your move, for you to be ready. But frankly, you weren't sure if you were. As the song came to an end, you felt more lost than ever before.

What the hell had you gotten yourself into?

The night was going relatively well, you guessed. You had seen coach Sylvester wheeling Artie out of the room, Fin had managed to get himself kicked out of prom, and it looked like you were going to win. Even if you didn't know what you were going to do if you won, you knew that you couldn't back down now.

When the moment came, you were nervous and excited. You tried to keep your mind blank, but your thoughts kept leading you to one thing: Brittany. Quickly, you searched for her, looking through the crowd until you spotted her. As you did, you couldn't help the small smile that formed on your face. She was so adorable.

Almost as if she had heard your thoughts, she looked straight at you, giving you a thumbs up and a small, sad smile. Your heart wrenched in your chest but you managed to stay composed. As Figgins announced Dave Karofsky the winner, you couldn't help but feel excited. All your hard work had payed off, or so it seemed. You waited for Figgins to announce prom queen, but you were sure it was going to be you. It had to be.

"Kurt Hummel." The words rang through the auditorium, making the crowd go silent. You felt tears prick your eyes and walked off the stage as discreetly as you could, not wanting to make a scene. You just wanted to be alone, but you should have known she would follow you.

"How could my running mate win and I didn't?" you asked, tears running down your face.

"I mean, just because I hate everybody doesn't mean they have to hate me too." She stared at you sadly as you ranted, like she knew the real reason behind why you were upset, but was willing to go along with what you were saying for now.

"It's just a stupid crown, you can buy it at the party store." You sighed, thinking back to everything that had happened. The events of tonight could not have happened at a worse time. Kurt had been humiliated for being gay, and he wasn't nearly as bitchy to everyone as you were. What would happen if you came out? What would they do to you? You had just wanted to be accepted by them, and yet they show you once again why you should stay in the closet.

"I'm going to be an outsider my whole life, can't I just, have one night where I'm the queen? Where I'm accepted?" You whispered. You could tell she was slightly surprised by your moment of truthfulness, but she didn't say anything.

"As soon as we get to New York, I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca." you said, trying to get a response out of her, but she remained silent.

"They must have sensed that I was a lesbian, I mean, they must have." You turned to her in all seriousness and asked,

"Do I smell like a golf course?" She shook her head slightly, a small smile playing on her lips.

"People don't know what your hiding, they just know you're not being yourself." So she finally speaks, you thought to yourself as you watched her walk closer to you.

"If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are, you would have won." She said, like she had never been more sure of anything in her hole life. You couldn't believe after all that you had put her through, she still believed in you that much. The thought made you feel a warm inside, and a genuine smile appeared on your lips.

"How do you know?" you asked quietly, looking at the floor. Brittany walked even closer, and you felt a feather light touch tilt your chin up, so you had no choice but to look her in the eyes.

"Because I voted for you." She said, smiling slightly at you.

"And because I believe in you, Santana." Your heart pounded painfully in your chest when she said that, your eyes tearing up slightly. You wanted to kiss her so badly, to show her how much she meant to you, to show her how grateful you are to have her in you life, but you knew it wasn't the time for that.

"Now what am I supposed to do?" you asked. You were so tired of plotting and scheming. So tired of thinking, of being scared. For once, you wanted someone else to tell you what you should do, because whenever you tried you always seemed to make a mess of things.

"Go back out there and be there for Kurt, because this is going to be a lot harder for him than it is for you." She said, and you can't help but agree. You watched as she grabbed a pack of tissues from the desk behind her.

"Your makeup is running." She whispered quietly as she stepped closer to you. Having her this close made you feel strange. You couldn't exactly pinpoint what the feeling was, but you knew that you liked it.

Carefully, she wiped away the flaws in you makeup, one hand cupping your cheek, the other wiping your mascara. Even when she was done fixing it, her hand remained on you cheek.

Butterflies fluttered in your stomach as she leaned forward and kissed you lightly on the lips. No one had ever kissed you that carefully before. Like you meant something to them. It was nice. Almost too quickly she pulled away, leaving you wanting so much more but knowing you couldn't have it.

"I'll give you a minute to get ready." She whispered as she started to walk out of the room.

"Hey Brittany," you called, your voice cracking slightly as she turned and looked at you.

"Thank you... for everything." You said quietly. You hardly ever said those words, and by the look on Brittany's face you could tell she wasn't expecting them. But this time, you felt like you needed to say it. You owed her so much. She needed to know that you were grateful for her. A hopeful smile spread across her face and she nodded at you. Your heart felt lighter after that, as she left you to think. You were done scheming. Now all you wanted to do was find a way to figure out what everything that had been going through your head meant.


End file.
